THIS.

Is my new axe.

After a slight detour in suit-shopping (for those of us with grander aspirations than retail computer stores) that nearly wrecked my car, I ended up at a local guitar shop looking straight at a used Gibson Explorer, black as sin and begging to be taken home for some ass-kicking.

Buuut, I’m sure that you don’t care about the guitar. You want to know how I escaped a near-death experience, correct?

Good. I like that story too.

So, I’m driving along, and my dear sweet mother, a woman of such dimunitive stature that she’d make the infamous Temerity Jane look to be at least 5’6″, decides to tell me, in a suitably vague manner, that I should keep to the right before a major fork in the road. Conversation is as follows:

Mom : Bear right. *points right*

Me: (Not understanding the concept of “bearing right” and seeing multiple rights, takes the first right possible… which happens to be up, over a curb, avoiding various woodland animals, the elderly, missing three large signs and making it back onto a road in the space of 5 seconds) Okay!

Mom : WHAT WAS THAT!?!??!

Me : You said right.

Mom : Not THAT right!

Me : YOU WERE POINTING! THAT WAY! *POINT POINT POINT POINT* And said “RIGHT!”

Mom : I said “bear right”!

Me : That’s unecessarily vague!

Me : (leg starts twitching from adrenaline) hoookay, I’m gonna pull into a parking lot real quick..

(pulls into a parking lot)

Me : Okay, Mom? Let me explain something to you… *smile* seriously, you’ve been driving with me for six fucking years, you should know by now that the “bear right” and whatever… REAAAAALLLLY doesn’t work too well.

When you said, “bear right”, and pointed in the general direction of a right turn, My brain acted and said “Alright, legs and arms, time to kick some ass. Right turn!”. If you point left, and say “follow the road left”, the only word I hear is “Left”, and I see a finger going point-point-point in the leftward direction, I WILL TURN LEFT!

So, basically, just say left, right, or, uh, straight. Yeah. No “almosts”. My brain only works in absolutes.

Mom : *starts laughing hysterically* That was some great driving, though. You avoided 3 signs!

-Track really is a good driver. I swears.